So drunk its hurt
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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