the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
