why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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