Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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