better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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