i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
