when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My hand turned me down
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
