You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
