If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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