His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
