There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
