i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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