My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
