bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
