So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
