Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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