Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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