No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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