I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
