I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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