I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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