woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
