Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
