Four minutes until I can fart!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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