i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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