It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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