There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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