Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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