i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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