Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
