Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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