remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
