I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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