Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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