and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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