I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Damn victory sex feels great
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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