i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
