I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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