I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
