I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
