just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
