cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I lost the right to judge tonight
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
