i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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