Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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