Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
