I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
