I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
