just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
God, I missed his penis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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