I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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