i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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