Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize
