I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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