How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
FUCK WHALES
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