Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
