I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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