I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize