got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
