i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
