I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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