If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Randomize
