3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How naked do you want me to be?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
