Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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