Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
