I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
