based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
