'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
