sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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