Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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