A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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