you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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