I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
