Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
