My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
