Princesses don't give blow jobs
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize