If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize