If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
